Exploring Motherhood Without Children 2012

My best friend, Naomi, and I are both stay-at-home mothers, and we always seem to be talking (more like fantasizing) about taking a trip together and getting away from it all.  Somehow in the past six months we came up with the brilliant idea to finally do it!  Of course we could always come up with a million reasons why we shouldn't do it and how we can't justify the time away, but we realized that it was time to move our wishes to the very top of the never-ending to-do list.  That, and the fact both our husbands travel a fair amount for work has left us a little grumpy.  While we have terrific husbands (I'll get to that later), we can't help but be jealous of the work travel they do: visiting different cities, staying in hotels, air travel completely alone, and eating out at new restaurants. It gets old for them and is mostly work meetings, but we all know that they really do have some fun and secretly relish getting away from the kids, while we do double duty at home and dream about a day when there is no laundry or dishes or someone arguing with every single thing we say!

So, after some back and forth phone calls about where to go and what to do, we settled on Austin, Texas!  While we dreamed about escaping to some dramatic locale, like Mexico or Hawaii or New York City, the logistics were impossible.  But the Texas trip that we planned would work and had a bit of everything:  All-America road trip, some shopping, some history, dining out, spa treatments, lots of pool time, hiking, star gazing, urban kayaking, cocktails, and lots of uninterrupted time to hang out together.  So, a couple weeks ago I flew to Dallas where Naomi lives, we drove four hours to Austin, spent some time exploring the city, then headed out of town 20+ miles to a wonderful resort for two nights.  It turned out we planned the trip really well, with a few scheduled activities and the rest open to whatever we felt like doing.

During the journey, Naomi and I came up with the brilliant idea that this trip was essentially our "business trip," our professional development conference where we learn new ways to do our job better and inspire our day-to-day performance at "work."  To make it official, we named our conference "Exploring Motherhood Without Children," and with a fair amount of sarcasm in our voices, we went about discussing the different "seminars" we were participating in (or not participating in) and reflecting on the deep meaning that they brought to our lives.  (See, we are such great moms that we take our jobs so seriously, even we are on vacation!)  So, here are some of the seminars and "key learning" that we took away from the 1st Annual EMWC Conference (a.k.a. my awesome trip with my best friend!)

*  It's OK to run away from home sometimes.  Traveling by myself was quite surreal.  I tiptoed out of my house at 4 in the morning feeling like I was on the lam, leaving my husband and kids to fend for themselves.  For at least the first day I constantly felt like I had lost or was missing something, and going through security at the airport and flying completely alone was SO easy.  It was a luxury to have that much time to read, nap, stare, think.  I had very little baggage...both literal and figurative. 

*  Heat things up!   It was about 100 degrees every day I was in Texas so it actually felt like a real vacation since summer has yet to really begin here in Oregon.  It was pretty intense, but considering we were able to spend a lot of it in a pool, it wasn't too bad!

*   Get out of your comfort zone.  Texas is a bit like being in a different country because it is so different than the Pacific Northwest.  With the heat, humidity, and crazy bugs, I was starting to wonder if I was still in the US.  I heard the buzz of cicadas that was even louder than I remember in the south of France, creepy Junebugs that aren't as cute as their name sounds, and crickets that were everywhere you stepped!  While I was also on the lookout for snakes (many which are poisonous), I was also treated to lots of pretty butterflies, cardinals, and white egrets.

*  Don't underestimate the power of the Road Trip!  There is something exciting and fun about heading out on the open highway that can't compare to flying in a plane.  But as a parent of young children, the thought of "road trip" sounds more like a nightmare.  But Naomi and I loved traveling in a non-mom vehicle (thanks Alex!), singing along to songs, stopping when we felt like it, having HOURS to talk (or not) to each other, ... and there was no whining, bathroom accidents, or craning around to pass/retrieve things from the back seat!  

Me, the Czech flag, and the kid selling lemonade

*   Take time to stop and smell the kolaches.  In an all-American moment, we stopped at a tiny town just off the freeway called West, Texas.  It was founded by Czechs in the 1800s and their cultural pride has remained.  It was pretty surreal to see Czech flags flying next to Texas flags smack dab in the middle of the state. We tried their famous "kolaches," a doughy roll filled with fruit or meat, and cups of 70 cent coffee at the cute little bakery.  But I knew I wasn't in the Czech Republic because people we so nice and friendly - glad to see that part of the culture didn't stick.     

Down home charm at the Village Bakery

*  Shop outside the (big) box.  Exploring Austin was really fun, and we stopped spontaneously at the Capitol and wandered around the stately (and air conditioned) building (for the record, I heard crickets in the Senate chambers).  It wasn't Florence's Duomo but it reminded me of all those old churches I toured in Europe.  Then we explored SoCo, the South Congress neighborhood full of funky shops with antiques, cowboy boots, and hipster clothes.  Having a leisurely adult lunch and a couple hours to browse shops that contained many fragile items is a luxury we rarely (never?) seem to get.  I'm so used to impulse shopping because I don't know when my kids will meltdown, and of course I"m always at a big box store so I only have to make one stop.  Breaking out of that routine was so refreshing!

Allen's Boot Shop in Austin

Hiking along the Colorado River (Texas version)

*  Get in touch with the nature, Part 1: Hiking  We spent two nights at a Hyatt Resort outside of Austin that was fabulous.  In fact, I was thankful for the trips Sam makes and the points he has earned at Hyatts.  We used some points to upgrade ourselves to the "Club" level, where we could use the lounge that had breakfast, snacks, and drinks all day.  Anyway, after a yummy breakfast where we could drink our coffee with no one talking back, we went for a hike in the adjacent Nature Park.   I was on the lookout for the aforementioned bugs and snakes, but all we saw were a few sweet little deer and one enormous pecan tree.  Whew!  Hiking is something I rarely do anymore, and I really miss it.  We only went a couple of miles (and it was already close to 90 degrees that morning), but it was so nice to get outdoors and hit the trail....with no whining allowed!

Ready, set, paddle!

*  Get in touch with the nature, part 2: Kayaking   At many professional development meetings or retreats, employees participate in some kind of team-building/character-challenging exercises.  You could call our kayaking adventure that portion of our trip. Our second night away we went in to Austin to kayak on Ladybird Lake and observe the largest colony of Mexican free-tailed bats as they make their nightly exit to catch insects.  Our tour guide was kind of an idiot and there were some entertaining folks on our tour, but it was a fun adventure.  Nearing sunset, we headed out paddling into the blazing, bright sun (it was 8pm and still 97 degrees), for a much farther paddle than we envisioned.  But it was pretty cool to be paddling right into downtown Austin.  The bats nest under the Congress Avenue bridge during the summer, and not only did we hear their little squeaks as we waited for the sunset but we could smell (and feel) their "guano."  They were tough to see because they didn't fly out until it was nearly dark, but we did see them and made the long paddle back to the dock at night!  While we were mainly worried about the family in our tour who had disappeared (they turned up at the end), we didn't anticipate Naomi's camera (or the lower half of her body) sitting in a puddle of water for two hours!  

Austin skyline at night and the Congress Ave. Bridge

*  Get in touch with nature, Part 3: Stargazing  I'm not sure if a man-made "lazy river" in a resort pool is considered a part of nature, but when you are floating along with the current gazing up at the dark, star-filled sky, I think it's pretty close.  That was how we spent our first night at the resort (until they kicked us out of the pool at 10pm) and it was one of my favorite parts of the whole trip!

*  It's important to spend time with other adults (i.e., at the adult pool).   I'm not usually one who can sit and lay by a pool, but because it's such a rare occurrence, I took full advantage of it. We also took advantage of the excellent poolside service and tasty cocktails.  I can't really explain it, but those drinks tasted so much better when I was sitting by (or floating in) the adult pool!

That perfect lazy river!

Motherhood should always be this relaxing!

*  Overindulgence is important after years of sacrifice.  While a massage when you're already feeling relaxed, or another cocktail when you already feel pretty happy may seem overindulgent, it actually isn't when you can't remember the last time you put exactly what you want before anyone else.  And knowing that it was all going to come to an end rather quickly, left me with no guilt.  

Cheers for adult pools...and really great husbands!

*  Talk to someone who is actually listening.  Naomi and I try to talk regularly, but with our kids' schedules and the two-hour time difference, we really only talk a couple times a month.  We seem to be getting better at that lately, but it was such a treat to have uninterrupted hours, ... no, make that DAYS, to chat about whatever we wanted.  Music, running, inside jokes, sleeping, aging, our marriages, our bodies, our houses, our sisters, going back to work, staying home, and a lot about our kids.  It's easy to get lost in motherhood and forget who you were before it all began and who you are apart from your children, so we both found ourselves wondering what is next for us as our kids get older and this job continues to evolves.  

*  Marry the right person.  I'm not sure how Naomi and I knew what we were doing, but we both seemed to know who we wanted to marry right around the time we turned the legal drinking age.  That boggles my mind, but I know we are both thankful for our supportive, hard-working, and thoughtful husbands who make the job of being a stay-at-home mother much easier.  Thanks, Alex and Sam, for watching the kiddos so we could make this trip happen!

I think these smiles speak for themselves!

*  Money can definitely buy some happiness, but time with your best friend is priceless.   A family friend commented on a Facebook photo of Naomi and I that we are "like sisters who grew up in different houses."  It is so true.  Yet Naomi and I have not spent this much time together probably since our senior year in high school.  That was 19 years ago.  Nineteen years!  But being together for four days straight was so easy and relaxing because we know each other so well and are so similar.  I couldn't ask for a better traveling partner, and I see many adventures ahead for us!  

And while it will likely be a very long time until we can do something like this again, being able to look back at these photos and remember the fun, laughter (I haven't laughed that hard in a long time!), and the much-needed break we had will sustain both of us on those crazy parenting days and nights ahead!  

Make New Friends But Keep the Old, One is Awkward and the Other is Gold

I'm starting to wonder if it's me, but I seem to be having a hard time making new friends. When you have kids, it's supposed to get easier, right? You find yourself chatting with strangers at the park because both your kids are on the same play equipment - you ask how old their kid is, comment on how cute they are, and even commiserate a bit about whatever stage your kids are in at the moment. But then they walk off and you never see them again. Sometimes that's fine because their child is really annoying or they seem really weird, but other times you wish you had asked their name or given them your phone number or set up another time to meet up at the park. Instead you walk home with your little one.....the best friend you have at the moment.

Motherhood can be a bit lonely at times, particularly if you stay at home for all or part of the time. As my friend Naomi told me, it's not that you need or want to hear every other mother's personal birth story but you just want someone (an adult) to talk to about life - both as a parent and just as a person. So why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?

I don't think this is just an issue for me as a mom right now. I think it's been hard probably since I graduated from college. Throughout school, meeting people and making friends was easy because you had so much in common and not very much else going on in your personal life. But now, everyone has their own lives, each with old friends, habits, and routines. I'd like to think that you can never have "too many" friends, no matter how busy or full your life may seem. That there is always room for someone new to enrich your life in a way only they can. But the bottom line is you either click with someone or you don't. ( I often find it frustrating when Morgan meets a child that she gets along with so well, yet I find the kid's parent odd and I just can't connect.) Sometimes it takes time for you to realize if you click or not, but still you usually know pretty soon.

Sam, being the social guy he is, has encouraged many of my friendships. We were really lucky to have made amazing friends in Prague (where we all depended on each other like a family) and also in Eugene (where a bunch of us all were relatively new to town and looking for friends - and Sam joining an indoor soccer team helped too). Moving to Portland was easy because we had both our families here but also many college friends who had young kids as well. But they all had their own lives and friends after living here for years, and we haven't gotten together as much as we would like. So I really made an effort to make new friends and establish myself here, fighting my natural tendency to stay home and keep to myself. First I started with a play group at a community center down the street. It was for kids ages 1-3 and was a lot of fun for Morgan. Parents were really nice there, but after a while it turned out to be mostly full of nannies, who were young and very sweet, but who I didn't have a lot in common with. Then I tried the Spanish play group for a while, where I met a couple of nice moms, as well as practiced my Spanish, but our schedule changed and we couldn't go anymore.

The most promising source of friendship was our neighbors, who are from Germany and have a daughter Morgan's age. The girls love playing together and the mom also stays home. Perfect, I thought. We have so much in common, and I really wanted to reach out to her since I knew how hard it can be to make friends when you live overseas. But with neighbors, get-togethers are always kind of random, whenever you happen to see them in the back yard. I tried to capitalize on the first few meetings, offering to have them over for play dates and asking about their schedules. I thought we were on to something. But the mom was very reserved, like Czech reserved. Her English was fine as far as I could tell, but she just wasn't a chatty person. I'd ask questions and it would go no where. Was it me or her? Then winter came and we wouldn't see them for weeks at a time. I didn't have their phone number and felt weird about just knocking on the door. This was starting to feel like a bad dating experience....is making friends as an adult the same as dating??? (I much later realized that she had a lot of German friends whose husbands were also working for the same company, so I guess she wasn't as lonely as I thought.)

I haven't given up on meeting a new friend here, but what I have learned from all this is that old friends are gold. We all know that, especially as we get older. The friends that knew you when you were a little kid or a crazy college student or a pre-mom person. You bonded at a time when you both needed each other, not when you were trying to be polite or force something that wasn't really there. They know you best and you can relax when you are with them. If you don't hear from them or forget to call them for a while, you pick up where you left off. Old friends aren't high maintenance. They don't make you question yourself. Best of all, they will be there for you for a long time to come. Thank you to all my good, old friends out there!

Who's Your BFF?

It's not often as an adult that I use the term "BFF" but Noami has been and always will be my Best Friend Forever. Since age three when we met, if someone asked me who my best friend was, I would and still do answer "Naomi." Yet since the age of 18, we have never even lived in the same city. We have graduated from college, tried new jobs, gotten married, had babies, and met lots of new friends, but Naomi will always be my BFF. Now I rely on her long-distance mothering wisdom and sense of humor to lift me up. It's amazing we can still indulge in hour-long phone conversations with screaming kids in the background, but being able to change a poopy diaper while still talking on the phone is a skill we have mastered. She also inspires me: she introduced me to the world of blogging, and she motivates me through her new-found hobby of triathlons and running.
Now, though, I only get to see her once or twice a year, but it doesn't matter - we always have great time. One of the reasons we do have fun is because we married great guys who like hanging out with each other probably even more than Naomi and I do. We always say how lucky we are that we married guys who get along so well, and we also hear Alex and Sam say how lucky they are too. We all have a love for great wine and great food. In fact, one of our best ideas to date is to all go out for a fantastic meal together as our Christmas gifts to each other. I also never seem to laugh harder than when the four of us are together. I guess it brings out that dorky kid in me and I laugh so hard I can't breathe and my side hurts. And having all known each other for so long (at least 11 years), the four of us have many inside jokes and long-running "traditions." I won't go into too much detail so as not to embarrass anyone (okay, all of us), but needless to say I am very blessed to have an amazing lifelong friend in Naomi, as well as many great memories of the four of us together.This fall was no exception, as we got to see them twice: in October when we visited them in Dallas, Texas, and this Thanksgiving, when the Calle clan was in Portland for a week. Not only was it a blast to hang out so much, it was also great seeing our kids play together. And we are creating friendships amongst our kids now too. Things are definitely different then they were a few years ago. But I know my BFF will always be there and we will still be giggling about things when we are old and gray.

Life is Beautiful

Yesterday, Sam and I learned that our dear friend, Kevin, passed away after a three-year battle with cancer. The news was a shock and slow to sink in, although when we saw him last month at our beach house in Oceanside, we knew it would probably be the last.

We first met Kevin at a job fair in New York. Somehow Sam convinced Kevin to hire Sam as a physics teacher at ISP, therefore making our two years living in Prague a life-changing reality. Our lives were blessed with incredible friendships, memories, and travel experiences during that time. Kevin was the best principal Sam had ever worked for, and one that Sam shared much in common with. He was an incredible leader and knew how to bring out the best in those around him, be they students, parents, or colleagues. He was also a true friend, with whom we shared our homes, meals and travels to beautiful places. Kevin loved basketball and loved to sing. It was probably his sparkling smile and mischievous eyes that made all who knew him instantly love him.

When someone you cherish dies too soon, it makes no sense. Kevin was only 57. My aunt Norma died quickly at age 60 from an aggressive form of breast cancer three years ago. These were incredible people that were a privilege to have known. It makes you wonder why things happen the way they do. Why do good, honest people get sick, while mean criminals live long ugly lives? The world is not a better place with them gone, although I am a better person for having known them.

Yet somehow, through all the confusion and sadness, you realize that life is such a beautiful thing. There are so many ways we are blessed, even though we rarely take the time to count these blessings. Like the dishes and laundry that never seem to end....those are a blessing because it means I have a family to care for. Or watching someone in your family struggle through a personal crisis....it is a blessing because it means they can lean on you for support, and you on them when times are tough. Or the people who will pass on during your lifetime....they are a blessing because it means you loved and were loved by them.

So today, I'm thinking a lot about Kevin, or "Special K" as a friend nicknamed him. I'm thinking about all our mutual friends who are grieving and reminiscing and missing him. I'm also thinking about how I want to spend the remainder of my life. No one knows how long we really have, who will be there along the way, or how things will ultimately end. Every day we make the choice (or don't make any choice) about how we will spend that day, week, month, or year...who will be there, who won't, where we will be, and what we will do. So I am going to try and see the beauty in life - the beauty that comes with joy, love, passion, change, fear and pain. It's all beautiful, and it's all part of life. How we will remember Kevin.......this was a catamaran cruise we took with him, his son Tarek, and his wife Lori, while we traveled with them in Barbados in 2004.