I have been writing quite a few blog posts lately. The problem is that they are in my head and it's usually the middle of the night. After I feed Sasha and am trying to put her back to bed, I pace the same little perimeter of non-squeaky hardwoods around our bed while I bounce and walk with my eyes half open. Fortunately, it doesn't usually take too long until she's completely out, but it does give me time to think. If only I could remember those brilliant 2 am thoughts. But honestly, I don't think many of you would really want to read them. They would mostly be about how incredibly hard it is to have two kids, how much has changed in the last two months, how I didn't realize that I would be so emotional and grumpy sometimes about the little miracle swaddled in my arms, or how I berate myself for having such little patience with my firstborn and imagine all the ways I'm screwing her up.Soooooo.... I won't be writing about any of that! Instead,
I will focus on the fun that this chaotic time of my life has brought. First, there is the laughter that Sam and I share out of pure survival and utter exhaustion - like the high fives we give each other when one of us successfully gets Morgan to sleep or the big sigh we let out as soon as one kid is asleep, and five minutes later the other lets out a cry. Our time alone (and conscious) together is pretty rare, but we have found our stride and are running like a well-oiled machine. All the lessons we taught each other the first go-around with Morgan are benefiting us immensely, as we can communicate, take care of each other, and keep our sense of humor so much better this time. After all, we are in this together - thank GOD!!! The thought of having to do this by myself or with an un-supportive partner, would have me running for the hills.
Being a pretty tidy person, I am trying to revel a bit in the messiness of my house. Sam, at this point, is much cleaner than I am. When I survey the daily damage around me - a full laundry basket of clean clothes sitting on the couch, toys all over the living room floor, a grimy bathroom sink, or the spit up drying in my hair - I take a deep breath and say, "whatever." Instead I try to focus on Sasha's delightful smiles and how quickly she is growing. There are times when I wish I could just set her down without her starting to cry or spit up all over herself, but I know years from now I will wonder what exactly was so important that I had to do that I didn't want to cuddle and rock my sweet baby girl. 
Despite feeling like a new, clueless mom all over again, I do feel a bit triumphant when I manage to get one kid to sleep at a time, or both, when I can fit in a nap for myself, or when I can actually check off one thing on my to-do list. And I feel a wonderful sense of pride when I see how much members of my family love being with Sasha. Newborns are so special and this stage is so fleeting. Getting to share baby Sasha with everyone now that we are in Portland is really special. 
To balance out the heartbreaking moments with Morgan when her 3-year old ego clashes with my impatience and the needs of my second-born, I really try to enjoy the good times with Mo. Like when we get to cuddle and read books instead of debating about how many more minutes of TV. Or when she helps out with Sasha's diaper changes instead of kicking me when I'm trying to simultaneously make her lunch with my right hand and rock Sasha to sleep with my left. I keep thinking to myself, "what happened to my sweet little girl?!?" But then I realize that she is probably thinking, "what happened to my wonderful, adoring mommy that I had all to myself?!?" As Sam says, he had a hard time sharing me when Morgan first came along. I have to remember to cut Morgan some slack - this is just as hard of a time for her as it is for me. 
And to top all of this off....we are about to buy a house!!! I never thought I would be one of those people that would be house hunting with a 3 week old baby in the car or packing and moving with a newborn! But that is how things have worked out and we are SO excited and feeling very very lucky. We will sign the papers to our dream house next week - on Valentine's Day actually - and move in by the end of February. I'm sure the moving process and transition will be very challenging for all of us, but I can't wait to settle in to our new home with my beautiful family of four!
