Six Months of Sasha

Sasha is now six months and on the downhill side to her first birthday - so hard to believe!  The Sasha we brought home from the hospital in December is quite different from the one we have living with us today.  Sasha has really come into her own, particularly in just the past couple weeks.  She can do so many things now and is suddenly in her baby prime - rolling over, sitting up, sleeping better at night and at naps, reaching for anything she can get her hands on (often her sister's hair), preferring to stand up when we hold her, and being much more social towards new people. In fact, she is a pretty smiley kid now instead of the studious and/or bawling baby she was a few months back.  I was beginning to wonder if that was just her personality....  And this girl is big!  She is quite a bit longer than Morgan was at the same age and is already wearing size 12 month clothes!  

I love seeing her watch and laugh at things Morgan does.  Morgan is having more fun for sure, and loves to give her raspberries on her tummy, tickle her, and use her like a puppet - waving her arms around and pretending to talk in a funny Sasha voice.  Even when Morgan gets carried away and is too rough, Sasha never cries, so it's a little hard to teach Morgan about being more gentle with her sister. The other day the girls were laying on a blanket in the back yard and Sasha gabbed a handful of Morgan's hair.  Morgan screamed and started crying as if she had broken her arm and Sasha seemed quite entertained by the drama.  I found it a bit amusing that little Sasha could cause such a scene, but it made me realize that we are just around the corner from this little one wreaking havoc on her big sister's "stuff."  Not looking forward to babyproofing, mediating, and chasing after a curious mobile baby.  While Sasha is growing and doing so many new things, there are still quite a few things she is NOT doing.  She still refuses to take a bottle - from anyone but me.  Go figure.  That is making going out without kids a big challenge.  Looking back I should have given her a bottle much more early on - one of the down sides of being a nursing, stay at home mom.  But as the time passes so quickly, I am trying to look at it not as a house-arrest situation, but as a fleeting blip in my life - probably something I will never have to or get to do again.  I think I can hang in there for another six months or so.  Sasha is also not sleeping through the night.  I was so lucky with Morgan, who basically put herself on a schedule and was sleeping through the night at three months.  But after many tearful nights (for both of us) in the past couple weeks, Sasha can now fall asleep by herself with minimal crying and without being swaddled.  And she is (knock on wood) sleeping well at night and only getting up once to eat.  So I will take stretches of 4-5 hours of sleep instead of 2-3!

These past six months have taught me a lot about her as an individual, but also about being a mother.  These months have been the most challenging of motherhood yet, and it makes me realize not only how much more I can accomplish in a single day with two kids, but also how much more of myself I have to give to keep everyone happy.  And I only have two... what about my friends with three kids or twins or more! Throughout the past few years of motherhood, all those clichés about parenthood keep running through my head, but the one that I hear most often and ringing most loudly and driving me crazy is: "Every kid is different."  Duh.  That is nothing new and definitely not rocket science, but I really didn't think or choose to believe that until I met Sasha.  I get it now!!!
  
Most of all these months have been very humbling.  “You have not lived a perfect day, unless you have done something for someone who will never be able to repay you.” (Ruth Smeltzer)   Being a parent of two has taught me that this is even less about ME, a lesson we all need to keep learning over and over and over throughout our lives, whether we have children or not. 

I absolutely love raising these two beautiful daughters though.  Our family seems so much fuller and complete now that Sasha is here.  I look at my two girls and know how lucky I am and how precious this time with them is. But I better get going.... laundry to do and a baby who will be waking me up in a couple hours.  The job never ends!

Introducing...... Sasha, Sashi, Sissy, The Sash

I forgot the magic that occurs around 3 months of age. The "fourth trimester" is over, and suddenly Sasha is a little person, a full-fledged baby, and an active member of the family. Wonderful things are happening like smiles, flirting, and batting of the eyelashes. This is all the more enjoyable since Sasha is now sleeping longer at night - we have even had a couple 6 or 7 hour stretches! She can sit in her bouncy chair watching me in the kitchen or play in her baby gym, swatting at toys and listening to her big sister. Life is definitely getting easier and definitely more fun as Sasha grows.Even though she looks and acts differently than Morgan at that age, she is turning out to be a very happy baby, just like her big sister was. She loves a party, and will stay awake watching everything and everyone quite happily. Morgan is used to being a big sister by now, and "keeps an eye on her" if I am out of the room. Most of the time she actually does take good care of her, and is enjoying seeing her smile. Sasha loves watching her big sis, and Morgan has yet to realize the power that she has over her little sister. The other day, she surrounded Sasha with her toys, a la E.T. Sasha seemed to love the attention.

I finally managed to figure out posting videos again, so below is Sasha in action. She is such a joy, and we are so lucky to have her in our lives!

Where to Begin...

I have been writing quite a few blog posts lately. The problem is that they are in my head and it's usually the middle of the night. After I feed Sasha and am trying to put her back to bed, I pace the same little perimeter of non-squeaky hardwoods around our bed while I bounce and walk with my eyes half open. Fortunately, it doesn't usually take too long until she's completely out, but it does give me time to think. If only I could remember those brilliant 2 am thoughts. But honestly, I don't think many of you would really want to read them. They would mostly be about how incredibly hard it is to have two kids, how much has changed in the last two months, how I didn't realize that I would be so emotional and grumpy sometimes about the little miracle swaddled in my arms, or how I berate myself for having such little patience with my firstborn and imagine all the ways I'm screwing her up.

Soooooo.... I won't be writing about any of that! Instead, I will focus on the fun that this chaotic time of my life has brought. First, there is the laughter that Sam and I share out of pure survival and utter exhaustion - like the high fives we give each other when one of us successfully gets Morgan to sleep or the big sigh we let out as soon as one kid is asleep, and five minutes later the other lets out a cry. Our time alone (and conscious) together is pretty rare, but we have found our stride and are running like a well-oiled machine. All the lessons we taught each other the first go-around with Morgan are benefiting us immensely, as we can communicate, take care of each other, and keep our sense of humor so much better this time. After all, we are in this together - thank GOD!!! The thought of having to do this by myself or with an un-supportive partner, would have me running for the hills.
Being a pretty tidy person, I am trying to revel a bit in the messiness of my house. Sam, at this point, is much cleaner than I am. When I survey the daily damage around me - a full laundry basket of clean clothes sitting on the couch, toys all over the living room floor, a grimy bathroom sink, or the spit up drying in my hair - I take a deep breath and say, "whatever." Instead I try to focus on Sasha's delightful smiles and how quickly she is growing. There are times when I wish I could just set her down without her starting to cry or spit up all over herself, but I know years from now I will wonder what exactly was so important that I had to do that I didn't want to cuddle and rock my sweet baby girl. Despite feeling like a new, clueless mom all over again, I do feel a bit triumphant when I manage to get one kid to sleep at a time, or both, when I can fit in a nap for myself, or when I can actually check off one thing on my to-do list. And I feel a wonderful sense of pride when I see how much members of my family love being with Sasha. Newborns are so special and this stage is so fleeting. Getting to share baby Sasha with everyone now that we are in Portland is really special. To balance out the heartbreaking moments with Morgan when her 3-year old ego clashes with my impatience and the needs of my second-born, I really try to enjoy the good times with Mo. Like when we get to cuddle and read books instead of debating about how many more minutes of TV. Or when she helps out with Sasha's diaper changes instead of kicking me when I'm trying to simultaneously make her lunch with my right hand and rock Sasha to sleep with my left. I keep thinking to myself, "what happened to my sweet little girl?!?" But then I realize that she is probably thinking, "what happened to my wonderful, adoring mommy that I had all to myself?!?" As Sam says, he had a hard time sharing me when Morgan first came along. I have to remember to cut Morgan some slack - this is just as hard of a time for her as it is for me. And to top all of this off....we are about to buy a house!!! I never thought I would be one of those people that would be house hunting with a 3 week old baby in the car or packing and moving with a newborn! But that is how things have worked out and we are SO excited and feeling very very lucky. We will sign the papers to our dream house next week - on Valentine's Day actually - and move in by the end of February. I'm sure the moving process and transition will be very challenging for all of us, but I can't wait to settle in to our new home with my beautiful family of four!

Sasha's First Month

Sasha was a month old on January 15, and it's hard to remember her not being here, let alone being pregnant. That seems like so long ago. That being said, I am still adjusting to being the mother of two kids. I'm sure that will take a very long time. Monday was the first day I was solo as a full time mom of both kids. I admit I was pretty nervous to have Sam go back to work. But so far so good....and we are getting back into our own routine.I have only known Sasha for a month, but since I have spent nearly every minute of my days and nights with her, I have already tried to figure out who she will be. So far, I know she is good at fake sleeping - she completely crashes in our arms, only to snap open her bright shiny eyes the minute we change positions or try to go to bed. She loves/hates being swaddled - the girl will squirm and grunt until she has not one, but both her arms completely free. (Of course the only way to get her calmed and back to sleep is swaddling her up again!) Sasha started smiling at us early on (like maybe 2-3 weeks old?) I was amazed when she would respond to my silly faces and noises. Now she is smiling and starting to make cooing noises - it is sooo cute! But I also think she is a more sensitive person than her big sister. Even as a baby, not too many things bothered Morgan, but Sasha seems a little more irritable. And I'm pretty sure Sasha won't be sleeping seven hours at night at six weeks like her sister did. I'm lucky to get more than two hours of consecutive sleep these days! So here is what Sasha (and company) have been up to in the last month, as well as some of the things I have learned/relearned in that time as well.

* Sweet not scary: Having a newborn again is so much sweeter and more fun this time around. We are not scared or nervous about every little thing that she does or doesn't do. Since I already know how fast babies change, I am really enjoying the sweet little moments with Sasha (naps with her laying on my chest are the best!)* Oh, the laundry! Somehow the laundry seems to have increased by a factor of ten since Sasha arrived. Part of that is due to using cloth diapers now (which are pretty easy), but add that to all four of us and not a lot of free hands or time, and it has become a daily chore.

*Ignore the baby: As friends with more than one kid have told me, it is easier to ignore the baby than the older child. Morgan has tested us more than ever in the past month with her behavior, and we are trying our best to give her our undivided attention. I have to admit that some days, I wish she could just play on her own more, but then I realize that she's not asking for more toys or to take her places. All she's asking for is time with her mommy. That's pretty flattering. * Quiet to Chaos: The best way to sum up our daily life is that one minute, Sam and I look at our beautiful daughters and then at each other and smile at our good fortune and relative ease in pulling this off. Then, usually less than two minutes later, when hell breaks loose, we are looking at one another with pure exasperation in our eyes and thinking to ourselves, "this sucks." Fortunately, we are smart enough to know how lucky we are and that we are in it together!

* My aching back! It is amazing that walking and rocking and bouncing around a 9+ lb. baby for hours at a time can cause such an achy back. Even Sam is struggling with weird aches and pains - I'm sure Sasha will get us in shape as she grows!
* Get tough. Since I'm in the middle of the chaos right now and people ask how it's going, I say things are great and we are very happy (which we are). But I am pretty sure I will look back on this time in my life as one of the toughest things I have had to do. But I also know motherhood is absolutely the best thing I'll ever do.

It's A Girl!!!

On Wednesday, December 15, 2010 at 5:39pm, Sasha Panzer Holloway was born! We had scheduled her to be born by Cesarean, so it was a bit surreal heading to the hospital for her birth. I felt like I was cheating a bit, by fast-forwarding to the end, but after Morgan's birth I feel like I earned my stripes - and having Sasha has definitely been a more enjoyable experience. Here are Sam and I before we head back to the operating room. (Can you believe my belly was really that big?)Being awake and having Sam by my side this time made me so happy and relaxed, even though I was a bit nervous about the c-section. But I will never forget hearing the doctor say "It's a girl!" followed by Sasha's loud crying. It took a while to sink in that this baby belonged to me and that I was a mother of two kids! Here I am seeing Sasha for the first time. You can't tell, but there are tears streaming out of my eyes.
After she was born, Sam and I spent about two hours in the recovery room bonding with our new baby girl. Once I was settled in my room, our anxious family members came in to meet Sasha. When Morgan was born, I woke up in an anesthetic haze and didn't let anyone hold her, but this time I was happy to share this new granddaughter, niece, and cousin with everyone.One person who really needed to meet Sasha was her big sister Morgan. She came in with Aunt Kimmy the next morning to see what all this waiting and waiting had finally produced. I think she was pretty happy with the result (and started calling her "Sashi"), even though she missed Mommy quite a bit.Now that we are home and are juggling the needs of two very sweet but very different little girls, as well as my own recovery, I don't have much time to process what's happened in the last few days. But I feel so very blessed for a healthy baby girl, for a sister that Morgan can grow up with, and for being able to experience motherhood from square one all over again. I feel like I have already had the best Christmas ever.