On Wednesday, December 15, 2010 at 5:39pm, Sasha Panzer Holloway was born! We had scheduled her to be born by Cesarean, so it was a bit surreal heading to the hospital for her birth. I felt like I was cheating a bit, by fast-forwarding to the end, but after Morgan's birth I feel like I earned my stripes - and having Sasha has definitely been a more enjoyable experience. Here are Sam and I before we head back to the operating room. (Can you believe my belly was really that big?)
Being awake and having Sam by my side this time made me so happy and relaxed, even though I was a bit nervous about the c-section. But I will never forget hearing the doctor say "It's a girl!" followed by Sasha's loud crying. It took a while to sink in that this baby belonged to me and that I was a mother of two kids! 
Here I am seeing Sasha for the first time. You can't tell, but there are tears streaming out of my eyes.
After she was born, Sam and I spent about two hours in the recovery room bonding with our new baby girl. Once I was settled in my room, our anxious family members came in to meet Sasha. When Morgan was born, I woke up in an anesthetic haze and didn't let anyone hold her, but this time I was happy to share this new granddaughter, niece, and cousin with everyone.
One person who really needed to meet Sasha was her big sister Morgan. She came in with Aunt Kimmy the next morning to see what all this waiting and waiting had finally produced. I think she was pretty happy with the result (and started calling her "Sashi"), even though she missed Mommy quite a bit.
Now that we are home and are juggling the needs of two very sweet but very different little girls, as well as my own recovery, I don't have much time to process what's happened in the last few days. But I feel so very blessed for a healthy baby girl, for a sister that Morgan can grow up with, and for being able to experience motherhood from square one all over again. I feel like I have already had the best Christmas ever.
While I definitely have other things on my mind these days, getting ready for Christmas is still one of my favorite times of the year. Morgan is fully on-board with all things Santa this year and keeps telling me that Santa is coming tonight. This year we have been reading lots of Christmas books with Morgan - she can't get enough of them. She has also learned the words to quite a few Christmas songs. Belting out "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" at the top of her lungs with Daddy in the car on the way to school is a new favorite hobby.
This year, Morgan received two advent calendars from her grandmas which (I think) are helping her contain her enthusiasm. She knows her numbers from 1-10 and is learning more, as she realizes she has to wait until that little 25 door opens up! We have also been talking about day 15, when (we assume) her new baby brother or sister will be arriving. In addition, she is enjoying all the traditional Christmas TV shows - she already has seen the old Rudolph one a couple times (and no fear of the abominable snowman for her). 
A new activity that may become tradition is going to Zoo Lights at the Oregon Zoo. We went on a very cold night, but there were no crowds and we got to ride the zoo train, one of her favorite things. Morgan could hardly stand it, she was so excited she was bouncing up and down and had a huge grin on her face. As a parent, I still can't believe how excited I get seeing my child experience something new. It's so much fun. And that was before she saw Rudolph dressed up. She sprinted over to him and gave him a huge hug. This child has no fear and knows that there is a person inside. She kept saying "his nose even lights up!" and called out, "good job, Rudolph!" as we walked away. Later she saw someone dressed as a polar bear and I literally had to hold onto her coat hood to keep her from running over other kids on her way to hug him! 
Another first was visiting Santa Claus. I have never taken her to sit on Santa's lap - mainly because I find it a little weird to put your child on the lap of a strange old guy at the mall. It was something I don't remember doing much or liking as a kid. But now that Morgan claims that Santa is her "best friend," we had to take her to visit him this year. This morning we went to Santaland at Macy's downtown. Morgan was literally jumping up and down with excitement, saying, "I see Santa's shoe!" as she peered through the crowd in line ahead of us. When it was finally her turn, she sprinted up to Santa even though the family ahead of us was still clearing out. She leaped into his lap and gave him a great big hug. (Fortunately, she did not kiss him like she told me she wanted to do the other day.) I think Santa was even excited to have someone so happy to see him. I am glad we waited until Morgan was a bit older to introduce her to Santa - it was pretty much love at first sight.
On our rainy drive home, Sam turned to me and said, "Christmas is so much fun with a three-year old around." I couldn't agree more. Then he cheerfully sang "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" while Morgan sang along...but only for a few lines, because soon she was fast asleep.
Going around the table at Thanksgiving dinner with Sam's family, Morgan said she was "thankful for Santa Claus and the new baby." It was pretty sweet, considering she didn't know what the word thankful meant a few weeks ago.
We had a really nice dinner with Ron, Dinda, Kim, Sanjiv, and Grandma Daggett ("Nana"). Despite some kitchen drama (there were three Daggett women in the kitchen all day), the dinner was fabulous and I was so thankful for the company of this wonderful family. Morgan somehow channeled my Grandpa Ken, who she never had the privilege of meeting, and attacked a turkey leg enthusiastically. My grandpa would always get a turkey leg at Thanksgiving - so it always reminds me of him. After dinner, Sam was dishwasher extraordinaire while I sat with his mom and grandma talking about pregnancies, motherhood and baby names. They are both amazing women that I look up to so much.
We finished off the weekend by getting our Christmas tree with Erica and the kids. We don't normally get it this early, but this year I wanted to have all the holiday prep done early. Going to cut down a tree is one of my favorite parts of the holidays, and I am thankful for my husband who did the sawing on a muddy hill. That's true love.
I am so thankful to be in Portland, surrounded by our families, especially with the baby arriving so soon. I know Morgan will be in good hands while I am at the hospital and busy getting to know our new baby. Seeing her relationships with her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins grow through the years makes me so happy. She is very lucky to have all of these special people in her life.
And as much as I have been complaining and groaning these last couple weeks (okay, the last nine months), I am very thankful for this wiggly, growing baby in my belly. I am lucky to be experiencing this phenomenal process and to be fortunate to become a mother all over again. And it is only a couple weeks away! I hope that the baby decides to come a bit early, because I am dying to meet him/her, but we now know for sure that by December 15 the baby will be here! I would prefer the baby to come on its own, but we have a scheduled c-section that day if nothing happens before. My bag is packed and the baby stuff is ready, but I still cannot quite imagine that a new person will be joining our family so soon. It is amazing, exciting, and completely overwhelming ....but I am so thankful for it!
Since Morgan started her new school last month, I have been getting some much needed time to myself back. So what have I been doing? Probably (besides napping and taking extra long showers) what I have been doing most is thinking about how I should best use my precious time and failing to accomplish much. I have big ideas and a nice to-do list, but lack the energy to do much. I'm hoping I will eventually get some kind of 'nesting' spurt and kick it into high gear, but I'm not holding my breath. .jpg)
So instead I am trying to take advantage of my two full days off each week and ... be lazy. Of course having too much time on my hands often lets my brain wander too much, so I have started thinking about how much my world will rock about 5 or so weeks from now. I've gone from denial to panic to let's-just-keep-calm-now. The last one seems the hardest but the most important.
This pregnancy is so different from my first. The first time around I was so amazed with the process and watching my body change, but this time I am anything but impressed and feel much more self-conscious. I am more tired than I ever remember being with Morgan, but then again I wasn't a mom of a three-year old. And then there's the undeniable fact that I am three years older and that magic age of 35 where the medical profession seems to think you are past your prime. Maybe they are right!
But since I am trying not to fight all these things and accept what is happening, I have learned things that I hope will serve me well a few months from now. Everyone says 'every pregnancy is different,' and there is a lot of truth in that. Probably the most important thing I am learning is that the reason this pregnancy is different is because this new person is going to be very different from Morgan. I will learn different things about myself and life from parenting this new person. It's hard to imagine a brand new person coming into our lives but it's about to happen.
So for the next few weeks that I have to myself, I am enjoying grocery shopping alone, riding the streetcar to the Pearl district for a great prenatal yoga class, being on my own schedule for a while, and trying to imagine who this new little person is going to be and how I could possibly love him or her as much as Morgan.
Here are some more funny things that have come out of Morgan's mouth lately. Unfortunately, my pregnancy-afflicted brain can't remember more, but here are the ones I managed to write down! (You can see that the first few quotes reflect her new-found interest in the human body!)
"You know what my boogers just doed? It blowed a bubble and my booger went out!"
Morgan has come a long way since discovering in the preschool bathroom that Isaac had a really "big belly button" last spring. Now she knows the names of male and female anatomy and likes to repeatedly ask us to name them for her, as she looks on with amusement. One day I heard Morgan in a conversation with Sam about something, and then she stops and calls out to me, "Mommy? What are girls' penises called again?"
Morgan walked in on Sam going to the bathroom, saying "Daddy, you are going pee pee standing up. That is so silly!"
Morgan was in the living room coloring while I was cleaning the kitchen. After I turned on the garbage disposal, she calls out to me, "Mommy, I can't see my coloring when your making that loud noise."
Sam and I were all dressed to go to a wedding and Morgan comes up to me and says, "Mommy, you look fantastic."
"You know why Avery is my cousin? Because I love her."
"Mommy, look up in the sky! I see skyscrapers!" Morgan saw a jet in the sky and was referring to the condensation trail they leave behind.
Morgan is very excited about her new baby brother or sister. She often gives my tummy hugs or tells the baby to stop crying (apparently, she can hear things I can't). If I give her a sticker, she will often give it to the baby and stick it on my belly. Or she will put a stuffed animal up my shirt so that the baby can "play" with it. Once she was being really sweet and hugged my belly and said, "I love you!" I told her I loved her too. Then she corrected me, "No, I was talking to the baby, not you."
Halloween has always been a fun holiday, although never my favorite as an adult - probably because I can never think of a good costume. When we lived in Eugene we had a friend who always threw fun Halloween parties at her house, filled with lots of drinking, music, and hilarious costumes (worn by our friends, of course). Those were good times.
Since Morgan came into our lives, Halloween has evolved. Her first Halloween she was only a month old. We were still in our 'adult' lifestyle and we even brought her to our friend's Halloween party - before all the festivities began. I think we dressed up as exhausted parents with spit-up on our shoulders and dark circles under our eyes (not too far from reality). Morgan was clueless as she was passed around to our friends (like Janell and Eriel!).
When Morgan was one, I had a cute duck outfit for her to wear. But dressing up was not her thing, so after a very brief photo shoot filled with dirty looks and some tears, Halloween was pretty much a non-event. I think we only had two trick-or-treaters at our house anyway.
Last year, we were in Portland and Morgan was two. She had also entered the petri dish that is day care, and was sick for most of the fall and winter. By the time Halloween came, Morgan had a bad ear infection and was dazed from fevers and antibiotics. We did have a cute ladybug costume that was passed down from Avery, but there was no way Morgan was going to put it on. Our German neighbors and their two year old were all dressed up and very enthusiastic about this American holiday, unfortunately we weren't able to join them for trick-or-treating. The funny thing was, by the time Christmas came, Morgan was very excited about the ladybug costume and danced in front of the Christmas tree wearing it. 
Now that Morgan is three, Halloween is quite different. This is the first year that Morgan 'gets it.' She loves dressing up anyway when she plays, so getting encouraged to wear a costume is right up her alley. We had been passed down a very nice dalmatian dog costume from her cousins, but Morgan insisted that I should "go to the monkey store Mommy and get me a monkey costume." (She honestly believes there are stores for every specific item.) I wasn't going to, but then I happened upon a costume that was just her size and on sale, so I caved in and got it for her.
While she was at first a little cautious around ghost and witch paraphernalia, which I tried to avoid, now she likes to pretend she is scared and then laugh. She also likes to repeatedly shout "BOO!!!" at us so that we will act scared. She finds this pretty hilarious. She got to experience her first pumpkin patch complete with pony ride, and pumpkin carving at the beach a couple weekends ago (of course she wanted a monkey jack o'lantern). We also made some Halloween cookies, although she definitely preferred the pumpkin cookie cutter over the cat and ghost ones.
This week she kept asking us, "Is it Halloween yet?" so I know that this holiday definitely means something to her. And she got her fill of Halloween all weekend. On Friday, her preschool had a fall potluck for families. The kids got to wear their costumes and do some craft projects at school. On Saturday, our friends threw a Halloween party/open house so Morgan got to dress up again. This time Sam dressed up along with her....as the Man in the Yellow Hat from Curious George. All I could come up with was to make my belly look even more like a pumpkin!
Finally, Sunday was actually Halloween and Morgan was very excited to go trick-or-treating. Ron, Dinda, Kim, Sanju, and their puppy Kushi (who was also dressed up) came over to see Morgan and hang out for a while. After dinner Sam and I took Morgan to some houses around our neighborhood. It was the first time we had trick-or-treated since we were kids. Morgan knew exactly what to do and loved ringing doorbells and saying "trick-or-treat." She didn't even seem to get spooked by the spider webs and other decorations on people's houses. There were lots of families out and the weather turned out perfect. It was a really fun 'first' Halloween for Morgan and feels like a whole new holiday now that we are parents.
Last week, Morgan's had her first day at her new preschool! She started at her Spanish-immersion preschool and was raring to go, after many weeks of talking about it. We had to wait until she turned three before she could start, so there was a lot of anticipation. With her big-girl backpack packed and new lunchbox in hand, she was very excited to finally be starting.
Sam and I both dropped her off, and she acted like she had been going there for months. (In fact, I have spent more time there in the past few weeks than she has - at parent meetings, mommies book club, and a volunteer meeting.) When she arrived all the teachers greeted her by name and with big smiles. She dropped off her stuff and went potty (as is the new routine). She said in amazement, "they even have a potty that's just my size!" Then she raced off to play and we had to ask her to come back and give us good-bye hugs.
Since she just had her birthday, her teachers let her do their birthday celebration, which involved making a birthday poster, getting a crown with 3 ribbons (for her age) and singing her "Feliz Cumpleanos." This was right before lunch, and they invited me back there to see it. I wasn't sure if me dropping in and leaving again would throw her off, but she didn't miss a beat. While I was there, I did notice her copying pretty much any inappropriate behavior she saw other kids doing, i.e., crawling (instead of walking) to the bathroom, taking her sock off and putting it in her mouth, and (her teachers told me) spitting at snack time. I'm so proud! I can see she will be learning A LOT of new things at school, not just Spanish!
When I went to pick her up in the afternoon (I was honestly waiting around to do it - I didn't know what to do with a whole day off to myself!), they were outside at the playground. I walked up to her, she gave me a big excited smile, and then told me to go sit on the bench with her teachers. Guess she was having too much fun to leave. Her teachers did say that Morgan NEVER napped. She was mostly quiet, but kept saying (with big sweet eyes, I'm sure) "goodnight teacher" and pretending to sleep. I hope she settles down and is able to nap at school - but I guess she's never napped with other people in the room, let alone a bunch of new kids her age.
Today I dropped her off for her second day, and despite the "I don't want to go to school" pout she was giving me as we left the house, once we got to school she hugged me good-bye and said, "I want you to go now, Mommy," before we even had her stuff put away! It's a new era for Morgan, and us as well. We already love the school and the strong community they have with the families. And I'm pretty sure Morgan loves it as much as we hope!
On Wednesday, December 15, 2010 at 5:39pm, Sasha Panzer Holloway was born! We had scheduled her to be born by Cesarean, so it was a bit surreal heading to the hospital for her birth. I felt like I was cheating a bit, by fast-forwarding to the end, but after Morgan's birth I feel like I earned my stripes - and having Sasha has definitely been a more enjoyable experience. Here are Sam and I before we head back to the operating room. (Can you believe my belly was really that big?)
Being awake and having Sam by my side this time made me so happy and relaxed, even though I was a bit nervous about the c-section. But I will never forget hearing the doctor say "It's a girl!" followed by Sasha's loud crying. It took a while to sink in that this baby belonged to me and that I was a mother of two kids! 
Here I am seeing Sasha for the first time. You can't tell, but there are tears streaming out of my eyes.
After she was born, Sam and I spent about two hours in the recovery room bonding with our new baby girl. Once I was settled in my room, our anxious family members came in to meet Sasha. When Morgan was born, I woke up in an anesthetic haze and didn't let anyone hold her, but this time I was happy to share this new granddaughter, niece, and cousin with everyone.
One person who really needed to meet Sasha was her big sister Morgan. She came in with Aunt Kimmy the next morning to see what all this waiting and waiting had finally produced. I think she was pretty happy with the result (and started calling her "Sashi"), even though she missed Mommy quite a bit.
Now that we are home and are juggling the needs of two very sweet but very different little girls, as well as my own recovery, I don't have much time to process what's happened in the last few days. But I feel so very blessed for a healthy baby girl, for a sister that Morgan can grow up with, and for being able to experience motherhood from square one all over again. I feel like I have already had the best Christmas ever.
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